So, What Exactly is Emotional Invalidation?
“Just let it go”
“It’s not that big of a deal”
“Everyone feels like that sometimes”
“It could have been worse”
“I don’t remember that happening”
“You shouldn’t complain so much”
These are all phrases that have been said to me by various different people including friends and family members. I love my friends and family, and I know that they’re well-meaning people. However, it's very frustrating and upsetting to hear emotionally invalidating phrases like these when I’m trying to express my thoughts or my feelings. I’m definitely not the only person who has experienced this. Especially as teenagers, who are often misunderstood by parents, teachers, and even friends sometimes, feeling emotionally invalidated can be pretty common.
So what exactly is emotional invalidation?
Validation means accepting and empathizing with a person's thoughts, feelings, and emotions, and providing them with a sense of comfort. Empathy is a big part of validation as it involves respecting someone's perspective even if you don’t agree with it.
Emotional invalidation, on the other hand, communicates to someone that their feelings are insignificant or wrong, whether through intentional manipulation or unconscious attempts to minimize their experiences. It often occurs subtly and unnoticed and can be displayed through criticism, sarcasm, or more inconspicuous methods like diversion or neglect.
That sucks. Why would anyone do that?
Invalidation, whether intentional or unintentional,
can come from many things. While some especially evil people use it as a tool for manipulation, usually it happens because of a lack of skill in managing emotions. Feeling uncomfortable or overwhelmed, people might struggle with their own emotions, which leads them to dismiss or minimize the feelings of others. Friends and family members may unintentionally invalidate emotions due to their own discomfort with emotional expression. They might minimize or make light of emotions as a way to cope with their own struggles. Sometimes even well-meaning attempts to comfort someone can lead to invalidation. This can happen when a person tries to make problems seem smaller or offer quick fixes without fully understanding the emotional depth of the situation.
I myself sometimes struggle with this. For instance, one time my friend and I had both failed a science test. I was upset about it but not too worried as it was the start of the quarter and I figured my grade would go up. My friend however was stressed and worried about their grade. Honestly, I found myself being a bit annoyed with how often they were bringing it up. I kept telling them not to worry about it. That their grade would go up after some more assignments. Reflecting on that moment later, I realized I had invalidated their emotions, failing to provide the empathy and validation they needed.
This discomfort with emotions can come from a variety of stuff including societal conditioning or personal experiences. Recognizing and addressing this discomfort and the emotional invalidation that can come from it is essential in fostering healthier, more supportive relationships, where people feel validated and understood, promoting emotional well-being and mutual respect.
What are the effects of emotional invalidation?
Invalidation can deeply impact people, making them feel like their emotions are unacceptable or insignificant, which leads to confusion, self-doubt, and low self-worth. In friendships, repeated invalidation can create an unsafe environment, fostering feelings of being misunderstood or dismissed. Emotional invalidation can have lasting effects, potentially leading to issues like low self-esteem, difficulties in managing emotions, and even mental health conditions like depression and anxiety. Studies suggest that severe and consistent emotional invalidation in childhood might contribute to more complex conditions such as borderline personality disorder (BPD), characterized by unstable emotions and self-image. Emotional invalidation in childhood has also been thought to hinder the development of healthy coping mechanisms, potentially leading to concerning behaviors like self-harm or eating disorders in adolescents.
What should I do when I feel like my emotions are being invalidated?
Assertive communication, setting boundaries, seeking support, and practicing self-affirmation are some strategies for responding to invalidation. When you feel like someone is consistently invalidating your feelings, staying calm, assertively expressing your feelings, and protecting yourself from recurring negative interactions are vital. Self-affirmation, where you reinforce self-worth independently, can also be helpful. Some methods to do this include journaling and meditation. Self-care is always important because it can help nurture physical, mental, and emotional well-being to help handle situations where you may feel invalidated.
How can I prevent invalidating other people?
Validation means acknowledging and respecting someone's feelings. Therefore, it's important to listen actively and use supportive language that makes space for all emotions. Avoid getting defensive, giving unwanted advice or dismissing emotions. Instead, try to show empathy and offer support to create a caring environment for emotional expression.
Bottom line:
It's important to recognize when emotional invalidation is happening so we can avoid its negative effects. By understanding its signs and learning to validate our own and others' emotions, we can build empathy and better relationships. Whether by talking or listening, validating someone's feelings shows that we accept and understand their emotions. By addressing emotional invalidation, we can build trust and connection, promoting emotional well-being and understanding in our interactions.
References:
Bobby, L. M. (2024, March 22). Feeling invalidated by your partner? Growing Self Counseling & Coaching. https://www.growingself.com/feeling-invalidated/
Carrico, B. (2012, February 8). What is emotional invalidation? Psych Central. https://psychcentral.com/health/reasons-you-and-others-invalidate-your-emotional-experience
How emotional invalidation impacts your relationship and finances. (n.d.). Healthyloveandmoney.com. Retrieved May 4, 2024, from https://www.healthyloveandmoney.com/blog/how-emotional-invalidation-impacts-your-relationship-and-finances
Mastering the Art of Responding to Invalidation: A Guide to empowerment. (n.d.). Grouporttherapy.com. Retrieved May 4, 2024, from https://www.grouporttherapy.com/blog/how-to-respond-to-invalidation
(N.d.). Happiful.com. Retrieved May 4, 2024, from https://happiful.com/emotional-invalidation-what-are-the-signs-and-what-can-i-do-about-it
Oriana Marcano - Author
Avantika Palayekar - Editor
